Be Careful What you wish for....

I wished for my first wife to come into my life. It was during a profoundly tumultuous period marked by heartbreak and the unimaginable grief of my daughter being abducted and taken across the united states. It was a time when my heart felt heavy, and my mind was clouded with despair. The desire for companionship and understanding became almost a lifeline, a flicker of hope amidst the overwhelming darkness. This longing for connection must have sparked something in my brain that I saw in a fantastic movie I watched called "Practical Magic." Without giving too much away, the film revolves around a poignant moment where a wish is made for an "impossible" person to enter one's life, and, in an unexpected twist of fate, that wish comes true in a way that alters the course of the characters' lives. It was this basic concept of wishing for the ideal partner that resonated deeply within me during my own struggles.

When my first wife entered my life, she seemed to check every box on the list I had consciously created in my mind. She embodied qualities I admired and desired, and I genuinely believed that if she had chosen to stay with me, I could have transformed into the great man. But as I reflect on that time, I realize that such thoughts are now mere echoes of what could have been—fading memories of a relationship that was both beautiful and painful. Upon further contemplation, I find myself questioning the very nature of that wish. Why did it come true, only for all the signs to indicate that we were fundamentally wrong for each other?

Was our relationship rushed? Perhaps that was the message the universe was trying to convey, subtly urging us to slow down and truly understand one another before diving headfirst into a commitment that neither of us was fully prepared for. I often pondered whether the influence of her family played a significant role in our dynamic. She was adopted, and I sensed that she placed a higher value on her family's opinions than on my own feelings and perspectives. In fact, I know this to be true, and it stung deeply. I had always believed that love could transcend such barriers, but the reality was that her family's approval weighed heavily on her decisions.

In stark contrast, I found myself indifferent to what my family thought of her. My love for her was genuine and unwavering, but the truth is that I wasn't fully ready to love her in the way she deserved. She recognized my emotional unavailability, yet she chose to remain silent, clinging to the hope that the boy she saw potential in would eventually rise to the occasion and become that man she needed to lead, not just for her and our daughter that was growing inside her womb but for myself as well. Now, years later, I understand that there is no possibility of revisiting that relationship, and I'm really ohk with that; so why would I continue to deceive myself about the past? I wanted to love her in a way that fulfilled her needs, but the reality was that I was still a broken man, grappling with my own demons—the very reason I had made that wish in the first place.

I vividly recall the night I lost her heart, a night steeped in regret and sorrow. I was intoxicated, both literally and figuratively, drowning my sorrows in alcohol as I trauma-dumped on her about my unresolved feelings regarding my daughter's mother. I laid bare my fears of being a worthless father, exposing all my vulnerabilities and doubts that plagued my mind. In hindsight, I can see that this was a catastrophic misstep that I would not be returning to ever again. I was navigating a transitional phase in my life, desperately wanting to have everything figured out, yet the truth was that getting your life together requires confronting the chaos within. That was the very stage I was in—a tumultuous journey of self-discovery and healing.

Being with her marked the last time I would dream of the future filled with hope and possibility. Despite the tumultuous nature of our relationship, I can't deny the profound impact she had on my life. It’s a bittersweet realization that we may never see eye to eye again, and yet, I firmly believe that our paths crossed for a reason, as hers did for mine. I find myself yearning to understand the purpose behind our connection, to grasp the lessons that were meant to be learned. Why did fate intertwine our lives in such a complex manner? What was the universe trying to teach us through our shared experiences? These questions linger in my mind, echoing through the corridors of my heart as I continue to navigate the aftermath of our relationship....I just wish I knew why...